THE STORY – With her life crashing down around her, Linda attempts to navigate her child’s mysterious illness, her absent husband, a missing person, and an increasingly hostile relationship with her therapist.
THE CAST – Rose Byrne, A$AP Rocky, Conan O’Brien, Danielle Macdonald, Ivy Wolk & Daniel Zolghadri
THE TEAM – Mary Bronstein (Director & Writer)
THE RUNNING TIME – 113 Minutes
Do you love getting panic attacks about the suffocating responsibilities of motherhood? Then “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is the movie for you. Films that get into the psyche of mothers on the brink of nervous breakdowns have been done before (“Tully” and “Nightbitch” come to mind), but what Mary Bronstein brings to the big screen is a full-blown attack on the body, a nonstop rollercoaster of anxiety, exhaustion and everything else in between, much like “Uncut Gems” and “Beau is Afraid.” You’ll be sadistically delighted by Rose Byrne’s incredibly stressful performance, unlike anything she’s done before, and know instantly that you never want to watch this movie again (complimentary).
Absolutely nothing seems to be going right in Linda’s (Byrne) life. For starters, her daughter (Delaney Quinn), who is heard screaming regularly but remains largely unseen, has a medical condition that requires a feeding tube. In order to have it removed, her daughter needs to reach a seemingly impossible weight goal, which Linda blames their nagging pediatrician for setting. She also has to deal with a massive hole that has flooded her home, forcing her and her daughter to live in a gross beachside hotel for several weeks. Oh, and her husband is away for work for months and can’t help her out with anything, but he contributes by demeaning her day in and day out.
All of this is enough to make you feel the crushing weight of Linda’s life, but don’t worry, Bronstein’s not done twisting the knife in you or Linda quite yet. Her job as a psychiatrist is anything but ideal, especially when one of her patients, overwhelmed mother Caroline (Danielle Macdonald), can’t cope with the struggles of parenthood and does the unspeakable, making Linda’s life even more of a living hell. Basically, the whole world is out to get her: Her therapist (a no-nonsense, droll Conan O’Brien) offers little advice, the hotel employees (including an amusing A$AP Rocky) are despicable, and a parking attendant at her daughter’s health clinic is constantly yelling at her for leaving her car in front of the building (OK, that one she may deserve). It’s a lot to take in, and you’ll start feeling a throbbing pain in your temple early in this movie that will only continue to grow and grow.
The creative choices Bronstein makes in this film are endlessly fascinating. The decision not to show Linda’s daughter’s face throughout the film (aside from shots of her hair or stomach) makes us wonder just how much of what we’re seeing is true to reality or a projection of Linda’s dread and overwhelmed state. The parallels between the hole in her daughter’s stomach and the hole in her apartment ceiling are also brilliant visual metaphors, especially as the one in the apartment appears to get bigger every day, showing just how chaotic Linda’s days are becoming. When cinematographer Christopher Messina takes us into the depths of that dark hole, we see what we can interpret as Linda’s mind: A black hole filled with streaks of light and headache-inducing sounds, which offer the mother and us no escape from the terrors of her world. Even the “good” moments, like a child getting a pet hamster or a glass (bottle) of wine at the end of the day, find ways to terrorize all of us.
But best of all is Byrne’s towering performance, which easily stands as the best of her career. She doesn’t let her foot off the gas at any moment, and her exhaustion is palpable. Even when the film feels too ridiculous at times, the typically comedic actress gives us a very grounded and frighteningly real portrayal of the struggles of motherhood, particularly the ways she blames herself for everything that’s wrong with her daughter. Linda’s not a ray of sunshine in any aspect – she waves her middle finger to almost anyone who crosses her path – but Byrne’s sobering performance makes us want to take her pain away any way we can. This is not to say there’s no comedy here, a genre Byrne excels in. She showcases her dry sarcasm throughout the film, saying so many things mothers would love to say to those who are pissing them off, and her scenes with A$AP Rocky are particularly funny as they navigate an awkward and weird friendship if you can even call it that. The Grammy-nominated American rapper also has a knack for comedy, especially as his eyes and facial expressions scream, “Who is this crazy lady?” It’s jarring to see O’Brien in the most unfunny role ever, the complete opposite of his charismatic self, but he nails it one unhelpful therapy session at a time with his deadpan delivery and lifeless “I’m over it” attitude.
“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” will be a lot to swallow for many viewers, and even those on its wavelength will feel overwhelmed by the nonstop stress it puts you through, but that’s exactly the point of Bronstein’s film. Parenthood is messy and complicated and can sometimes be a nightmare, but there’s hope it won’t always be like that. The film’s ending doesn’t necessarily provide the ray of sunshine audiences may be desperately looking for after nearly two hours of soul-crushing punishment, but it does offer some clarity on how to move forward when it feels like the world is crashing down on you. With unapologetic drama and an all-time performance from Byrne, “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is a movie you won’t be able to stop thinking about, no matter how much you want to get it out of your system.
