THE STORY – Two stewardesses must save the day when a catastrophic storm threatens to derail a high-speed train.
THE CAST – RuPaul Charles, Ginger Minj & Jujubee
THE TEAM – Adam Shankman (Director), Christina Friel & Connor Wright (Writers)
THE RUNNING TIME – 90 Minutes
In 1896, the Lumière Brothers premiered “Train Pulling Into a Station,” a landmark (and markedly brief) piece of early film. The 50-second short depicts a steam train, as the title suggests, pulling into a French station. Legend has it that the first audience, frightened by the image of a train seemingly barreling toward them, reacted with vocal exclamations of fear. Perhaps they yelled “Arrête ce train!” or in English, “Stop that train!” 130 years later, another locomotive-based film speeds into theaters. Does “Stop! That! Train!” have the potential to be as impactful on film history as the Lumière Brothers’ short? Probably not. In fact, its highly (and proudly) disposable nature – combined with incredibly specific, destined-to-age jokes and references – assures that it’s likely to be forgotten by this time next year, forget about a century from now. But it’s hard to imagine that anyone who worked on the film, least of all the infamously forgetful RuPaul, would have a problem with that. “Stop! That! Train!” is cinematic cotton candy: amusing in concept and enjoyable to consume, but anyone thinking it might have any substance is severely misinformed.
The absolute best thing that can be said about the film is that it gives drag artists and underappreciated queer performers (not to mention gay icons) a chance to shine in its train headlights. In fact, it may as well be called “RuPaul’s Drag Race: The Movie.” Not only does it star a bevy of queens who made a name for themselves on that landmark reality show, but it features plenty of non-drag faces that will be familiar to faithful Drag Race viewers, including permanent judge Michelle Visage and even members of the scantily-clad Pit Crew. And of course, mother herself: RuPaul Charles plays President Judy Gagwell, the head of the free-to-be-you-and-me nation in which the film takes place.
As if the idea of a drag queen President (or even, unfortunately, a female President) doesn’t make it clear, “Stop! That! Train!” is a work of extreme farcical fiction. The film follows Tess (RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars winner Ginger Minj) and DeeDee (frequent Drag Race contestant Jujubee), two train attendants working on a decidedly unglamorous, budget train line. With aspirations above their train station, they manage to sashay their way into unexpected employment on the Glamazonian Express. This luxurious locomotive is staffed by a trio of stunning but mean attendants (all of whom have names that start with A) played by Canada’s Drag Race host Brooke Lynn Hytes, the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 13, Symone, and Marty Lauter, aka Broadway queen Marcia Marcia Marcia. Once onboard, things quickly go haywire. Donna Dusk (Rachel Bloom), who works at Glamazonian’s command center, detects trouble on the literal horizon: a deadly Stormaganza heading right for the train. Somehow, Tess and DeeDee must find a way to save the train, whether that means avoiding the storm or, like a proud queen marching past fundamentalist protestors, barreling through it.
Obviously, the film draws heavily on the ’80s comedy classic “Airplane!” In fact, the only reason this movie takes place on a train rather than a plane is likely that the writers, Christina Friel and Connor Wright, didn’t want to be accused of fully ripping off the legendary parody film. After all, the fact that inclement weather is the main source of conflict, and the involvement of the President herself would all feel more justified with a plane as the main setting. But that’s not all: the jokes of “Stop! That! Train!” are very much in the “Airplane!” vein. They come fast and frequently, with no regard for engaging the audience’s intelligence. This is a knowingly, unapologetically idiotic movie, with the humor purposefully earning just as many (if not more) groans and eye rolls as laughs. There are sight gags (one involving a rag doll is repeatedly hilarious) and puns aplenty, along with corny jokes that any daddy, sorry, dad would be proud of.
But that doesn’t mean that there’s no cleverness to be found amongst the stupidity. Some of the more comparatively lofty bits of humor come from Rachel Bloom, who smartly plays her character with a degree of earnestness that only heightens the absurdity of everything going on around her (she even gets a really great lesbian joke, in what’s probably the film’s funniest moment). As our two leads, Drag Race royalty Ginger Minj and Jujubee are both excellent, carrying the film with the polish, expertise, and crowd-rallying drive of a queen hosting the Friday night bar show. Jujubee is especially impressive; she very nearly underplays her role, which shockingly works. Her choice to take ridiculous situations seriously makes them even funnier because of her sincerity. Latrice Royale is (as will be no surprise to any Drag Race fans) sensationally uproarious as Barbra, a woman with a suspicious number of jobs. The queen’s legendary facial expressions and perfectly-deployed line readings are consistently hysterical. And as the leader of the very-free world, RuPaul gives a fully committed comedic performance, seemingly modeled on prestige-slash-camp actresses like Faye Dunaway and Elizabeth Taylor. However, not everyone understands the very dumb assignment. Some cameo appearances feel more dutiful than any performance should, and as the co-conductor, Brian Jordan Alvarez is simply not funny, weighed down by an annoying “straight” voice that he adopts for the part.
As a piece of visual art (a term that feels almost tragically silly when applied to this film), “Stop! That! Train!” is as disastrous as the crash the characters hope to prevent. The film is so difficult to look at, with uninspired camerawork, lackluster compositing, and poorly rendered visual effects, that it’s already been hit with accusations of using generative AI to build out its world (a claim that director Adam Shankman has refuted in a very carefully worded statement). Regardless of how it was constructed, outside of Salvador Pérez Jr.’s eye-catching costumes and the queens’ mugs, “Stop! That! Train!” isn’t a work of great beauty.
But ultimately, the success of “Stop! That! Train!” comes down to one simple question: Is it funny? And the answer is, mostly, yes. With the high ratio of jokes per minute, not all of them are destined to land, and some gags linger too long, slowing down what should be a breakneck pace. But the bits that do work are genuinely hilarious. But what really keeps this train on its rails is the overwhelming talent of those onboard. If anything, the queens stoking the film’s flames deserve a better vehicle in the future than this unsteady locomotive.
